sigh, mothers

My mother: Do you sleep with the window open?

Me: It's summer, of course.

Mother: Maybe you shouldn't in case someone breaks in.

Me: Not going to happen, it's been in the high 80s with 45% humidity.

Mother: I want you to be safe, don't you have a fan.

Me: Yes, a window fan. That requires the window to be open.

Mother: Well maybe you should just keep the window shut.

Me: What so I can melt in my sleep?

Mother: Well do you have pepper spray?

Me: I don't think I want to answer this, you'd only worry.

Mother: Well go to a gun shop and get some.

Me: Okay, I'll do that next time I find myself wandering around in a gun shop.

Mother: Do it before Wade (the housemate) goes out of town.

Me: I don't even know if Portland has gun shops, it seems so anti-Portland.

Mother: Well find one. And buy a good brand.

Me: Only if you foot the bill, my bank account is not endorsing this ridiculous idea.

Mother: Fine, make sure you keep it by your bed.

Me: Yes mother, I'll put it right next to my baseball bat.

Mother: This isn't a joke.

Me: Oh no, I take the idea of someone disrupting my sleep to steal my decrepit macbook very seriously.

Mother: Okay, well then goodnight. Be safe.

Me: (sliding the window open) Mhm, of course.

Mother: What was that noise?

Me: Either someone is trying to break in or I just opened the window.

Mother: Chelsea....

Me: Night mom.

I know I live in a big(er) city now, but really?