My mother: Do you sleep with the window open?
Me: It's summer, of course.
Mother: Maybe you shouldn't in case someone breaks in.
Me: Not going to happen, it's been in the high 80s with 45% humidity.
Mother: I want you to be safe, don't you have a fan.
Me: Yes, a window fan. That requires the window to be open.
Mother: Well maybe you should just keep the window shut.
Me: What so I can melt in my sleep?
Mother: Well do you have pepper spray?
Me: I don't think I want to answer this, you'd only worry.
Mother: Well go to a gun shop and get some.
Me: Okay, I'll do that next time I find myself wandering around in a gun shop.
Mother: Do it before Wade (the housemate) goes out of town.
Me: I don't even know if Portland has gun shops, it seems so anti-Portland.
Mother: Well find one. And buy a good brand.
Me: Only if you foot the bill, my bank account is not endorsing this ridiculous idea.
Mother: Fine, make sure you keep it by your bed.
Me: Yes mother, I'll put it right next to my baseball bat.
Mother: This isn't a joke.
Me: Oh no, I take the idea of someone disrupting my sleep to steal my decrepit macbook very seriously.
Mother: Okay, well then goodnight. Be safe.
Me: (sliding the window open) Mhm, of course.
Mother: What was that noise?
Me: Either someone is trying to break in or I just opened the window.
Mother: Chelsea....
Me: Night mom.
I know I live in a big(er) city now, but really?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
a tranny and a mathematician walk into a...
I love the people I play board games with once a week. Mostly because they are the perfect embodiment of what Portland is about. The campaign "Keep Portland Weird" comes to mind.
Let's take an outsider's view to the group. Let's say you walk in to your closest Fred Meyer (grocery store) for your typical day of errands and saw this group playing board games, you would likely stop and stare for two reasons. The first would probably be on the grounds that not only are there people playing board games in the dining area of a grocery store, but they are the strangest group of people you've ever seen in one place at one time. The second thing that would halt you in your tracks would likely be that not only do the people all look completely different, despite their many differences they are having fun. A lot of fun - fun with yelling, laughing, and giving off a sense of complete comradeship. Except you're in Portland, so perhaps you wouldn't stop and stare because weird things happen all the time here.
So perhaps it's no surprise that on Wednesday night at any given time I can be found playing board games with a tranny named Becky who has more cleavage than I will ever have, a mathematician recovering from an alcohol addiction, a zealous dude who's hitchhiked across the country, a conservative banker, an overweight DDR champion, or numerous other individuals even more normal or zany than the rest. We are the unemployed, the employed, the stoned, the sober and the "weird" that help make Portland so amazing.
The greatest thing about this city and the thing that I love the most is that nothing is too wacky or too out there and you can literally be as weird as you want and nobody will stop to stare at you. You want to paint your body pink and run through downtown? Go for it. In fact people will probably assume you're doing it for some sort of breast cancer campaign and may even throw a few dollars your way. You want to sit on a street corner and play the national anthem on a kazoo? Be prepared to compete with the guy on the other corner with the same act. We have one of the largest parks and the smallest park in the world. This city is the perfect blend of books, food, music, art and people. Like a voodoo doughnut - there's something for everyone.
Let's take an outsider's view to the group. Let's say you walk in to your closest Fred Meyer (grocery store) for your typical day of errands and saw this group playing board games, you would likely stop and stare for two reasons. The first would probably be on the grounds that not only are there people playing board games in the dining area of a grocery store, but they are the strangest group of people you've ever seen in one place at one time. The second thing that would halt you in your tracks would likely be that not only do the people all look completely different, despite their many differences they are having fun. A lot of fun - fun with yelling, laughing, and giving off a sense of complete comradeship. Except you're in Portland, so perhaps you wouldn't stop and stare because weird things happen all the time here.
So perhaps it's no surprise that on Wednesday night at any given time I can be found playing board games with a tranny named Becky who has more cleavage than I will ever have, a mathematician recovering from an alcohol addiction, a zealous dude who's hitchhiked across the country, a conservative banker, an overweight DDR champion, or numerous other individuals even more normal or zany than the rest. We are the unemployed, the employed, the stoned, the sober and the "weird" that help make Portland so amazing.
The greatest thing about this city and the thing that I love the most is that nothing is too wacky or too out there and you can literally be as weird as you want and nobody will stop to stare at you. You want to paint your body pink and run through downtown? Go for it. In fact people will probably assume you're doing it for some sort of breast cancer campaign and may even throw a few dollars your way. You want to sit on a street corner and play the national anthem on a kazoo? Be prepared to compete with the guy on the other corner with the same act. We have one of the largest parks and the smallest park in the world. This city is the perfect blend of books, food, music, art and people. Like a voodoo doughnut - there's something for everyone.
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